Whew…That is my first reaction…Whew….
My endocrinologist left a voicemail while I was in the shower. I never even heard the phone ring. Perhaps, subconsciously I did not want to hear it ring. No, I want to know the results. Good or bad. I need to know.
They said it would take 48 hours. Obviously the results must have been pretty clear cut to the radiologist. Is this good? Bad?
I pick up the phone, and my hands are shaking. I am scared. Really scared. Even if my mind is trying to be calm, fear is still taking over. Deep breath. Stay in control.
Ironically, this is what I had been trying to do my whole life. Keep my diabetes in control. Control, control, control. Yet, even with all this “control”, here I am with a possible complication.
I struggle to push the buttons. Just do it. Talk with the doctor. Ignore my trembling hands. Gain some composure.
Whew. Please let it be okay. It was at this point I realized how quickly our lives can change. What if? What if I have gastroparesis? Stop it. What if I don’t?
The receptionist picks up, and I ask to speak to my endocrinologist. She puts me on hold while she finds the doctor. Seconds seem like minutes. My mind is racing a hundred miles an hour. Come on, tell me the results.
My doctor gets on the phone. The words that come out of her mouth in the next few minutes will change my life forever. I hold my breath in anticipation. This sucks. It really does. Just tell me. I am strong yet weak. Vulnerable at this point.
“Michele, you do not have gastroparesis.”. Oh my God. Thank you. Relief. Tears. Joy. Pure emotions. My hands are still trembling.
I thank the doctor. I am still not thinking clearly. I hang up the phone and sit down. I feel drained. Relieved but tired. I guess I did not realize how emotionallly tied up I was with this test and possible diagnosis.
I DO NOT have gastroparesis. What a relief. Relief. Relief. Relief.
I just need time to pull it all together. To be thankful for all that I have in my life, diabetes and all. It will be okay.
So the bloated stomach and GI issues are probably food related? I don’t know. I need to call back after I process everything. I will make a list of questions. I can handle food allergies or intolerances. I guess I could handle anything. Whatever is given to me, I have to handle. I choose to respect my body (mind and spirit).
Up to this point I have done a pretty good job of taking care of myself. I take pride in doing the best job I can. There are ups and downs. Highs and lows. But, everyone (including those without diabetes) has ups and downs, highs and lows. I just happen to have diabetes thrown in the mix.
Now that I am coming out of the “relief brain fog”, I realize that this test happened for a reason. Explore my feelings about death? Tune me in? Make me think about my purpose in life? All the above?
Yesterday (and today) was stressful but impactful. I really took a new look at my life. I want to keep thinking about all this.
I will be in touch. Who knows where it will take me.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. What a great way to start the weekend. Ahhhhhhhhhhh….