Shot in the Heart

Posted on May 17, 2011

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Last night I was shot in the heart at close range.  5 times.  It woke me out of a deep sleep. 

I was dreaming.  Normally, I would say it was a nightmare, but for some reason, being shot did not scare me.  How strange.  Especially for someone so afraid of death.  

The dream started with me hiding behind a wall outside my house.  I was crouched down and out of sight.  What appeared to be US military  men were running all over my yard. Were they searching for me?  I must have known something was up because I was hiding. 

Within seconds of landing on my lawn, one of the military men (a very young and handsome man) calmly put a rifle right up against my heart.  I was calm and did not beg him to stop.  I did not try to escape.  He fired five shots.  I stayed in the crouched position and just stared at my heart.  He held the gun there for a few seconds.  No blood came out.  I was calm and did not beg him to stop.  I did not try to escape. 

When he was done shooting and removed the rifle, I appeared to be okay.  I asked him how long, and he said 6 minutes to one year.  Was I asking about how long I would live?  Still no blood.  No bullet holes. 

I stood up with ease, turned, and walked across the lawn into our house.  As I walked toward the house, I noticed a small twinge in my heart.  Yet, I remained calmed and kept walking. 

And then I woke up.  I swear, my heart ached a little bit.  Just for a brief second.  Perhaps it was part of my dream. 

Normally, I would call this a nightmare.  Being shot 5 times would have horrified me.  The thought of dying would have paralyzed me. 

But not this time.  Not in my dream or real life.  This dream made me realize that I have the strength to live, even with diabetes.  No matter what, I will keep going.  Even if I am shot at five times.  I think about how many times diabetes has tested me.  Yet, I get out of bed every single morning.

And when life may look real dismissal and death may be on the horizon (in my dream), I am fine.  I accept what has been given to me with grace.  I do not lay there and wither up into a ball.  Instead, I literally stand up (no matter how I may be feeling) and put one foot in front of the other.  There is no stopping me.

Should I fear death is on my horizon?  Are the messages from this dream to be taken literally or symbolically?  I go for the symbolism. 

Death to me represents change.  A rebirth.  And change is good.  I have been trying to create change.  Dealing with the possibility of death (in the dream and real life) taps into my own fears and experiences that touched home last week with my gastroparesis testing. 

Having the courage to stand up and walk away from the military man after being shot and not knowing whether he will shoot me again speaks a lot to the inner strength all diabetics have within them.  We have to be strong.   We cannot succumb to our disease. 

So, give or take, it was a pretty insightful dream.  I still do not know why they were after me?  Perhaps I will learn more about that in dreams to come?  Tonight is a full moon….

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