What If I Don’t Wake Up In the Morning?

Posted on June 23, 2011


Last night was a crazy night.  A few rounds of tornadoes, severe thunderstorms, sirens, whew! 

When everything all simmered down around 11pm, I realized that my bloodsugar was unusually high – 312.  Yikes.  Super high for me.  For anyone. I did a correction with my pump, but I was cautious.  Something told me not to give the full amount of insulin.  So, I took the estimated amount and reduced it a bit – .5.  How had I missed this high?  Usually, I feel so sick when my blood sugar gets that high. All the excitement from the storms must have put my body into overdrive.

Back to the correction amount.  Why did I reduce my correction amount?  Because I was afraid of bottoming out.  Having a severe low during the night. 

You see, I was by myself last night.  No husband, no kids.  First time I had stayed at home alone (overnight) in years.  The idea actually sounded great.  I intended to relax and do nothing.  Absolutely nothing. 

Well, that did not quite happen.  Instead, I hunkered down in our stairwell and listened to tornado sirens for a few hours.  Mother Nature had a different plan for me.

But it was all over now.  Time to finally go to bed.  Part of me was tired and part of me was wired from the adrenalin rush. 

I decided to wrap up in blankets and write.  And this is when I became hesistant about going to bed. 

Over the years, I have stayed in hotel rooms by myself.  In fact, years ago, I travelled on a weekly basis.  I had always woken up.  No super low blood sugars that caused me to lose consciousness while sleeping.

How was this different?  Maybe the storms had stirred something up inside of me?  Did I feel out of control between the high blood sugar and severe weather?

During the storms, I did not even think about my diabetes.   I was thinking about tornadoes touching down and causing damage.  Diabetes?  What? 

But now it was time to go to sleep.  To wind down for the night.  And I questioned whether or not I should shut my eyes.  I had to trust that I would wake up in the morning?  And for some reason if I did not wake up, then whatever happened was meant? Every single person has to trust that they will wake up in the morning – diabetics and non diabetics.  How was this different. 

One word describes it – scary.  Scary like the storms.

Yet, I was not going to stay awake all night.  I was tired.  Needed rest.  Needed to let go of this fear.

Funny how fear can sneak up on you.  Was I really afraid that I might bottom out and not wake up?  My diabetes is pretty tightly controlled.  I had taken less than the recommended correction amount.

That is all I could do.  The rest was out of my control.  Just like the storms, I could not control where the tornadoes would strike down.  I had to trust.  Diabetes or no diabetes.  We have to get rest.  I had done my part.

Diabetes can be evasive at times.  What is really going on inside my body?  Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), I cannot see every little thing that is happening.  Changes are occuring.  Blood sugars go up and down.  I age.  My heart pumps.  It is actually pretty cool.  All the stuff that happens inside of there. 

Maybe the Real Time component of the Medtronic Paradigm would come in handy right now – alerting me to a low if it happened.  But, I did not have the Real Time at this moment.  I had the Michele Time.  Time for Michele to go to bed. 

Over the years, I have struggled with control.  Yeah, I can be a control freak.  Perhaps living with diabetes for 38 years has played into that?  Trying to control a condition so I can live a healthy and long life. 

And here I was wondering if it would pay off?  If my control and diabetes would work in synch and get me through the night?

The worst that could happend if I bottomed out (my words for low blood sugar) is that my husband would keep calling from Alabama, and my friend with the girls would wonder where I was at our meeting time – 10am.  It’s not like days would go by before someone wondered – where is Michele?

Sigh…Let it go.  Relax.  Go to bed.  It has been a long night. 

You know, I wake up when I get low at night.  I don’t sleep through it.  It will be okay.  Have faith.  Trust.  Believe.

I turned off the light in my bedroom.  Rain was still comind down.  The noise was soothing at this point.  Tornado sirens were off.  Correction bolus for high blood sugar was in place, and I was beginning to feel better.  I tested my blood sugar one more time, and it was going down – 202.

And then I thought – what if my pump stops working?  What if the high is caused by a bad site or connection?  I had changed out my pump earlier in the evening.  Wait a minute.  My blood sugar was going down from the correction.   Pump is obviously working.  My mind is working too – in overdrive.

Time to go to bed.  Enough is enough.  That was it.  I was tired. 

Amazingly enough, I fell asleep very quickly…as soon as my head hit the pillow.  I even had a peaceful dream. 

And then I was up again at 3am with another round of severe thunderstorms.  I tested my blood sugar – 101.  Good. 

A few minutes later, I was asleep again.   I must have been at peace with tornadoes, my diabetes, and waking up. 

Until 5 am when my dog woke me up.  Guess I was not meant to get lots of sleep.  But I did it.  I slept.  I stopped worrying.  I found inner peace. 

It is now 7 am and the sun is shining.  All the storms ae over.  A great day is in store.