Kinda like those days when my diabetes goes haywire for no apparent reason. Out of my control, even though I want to so badly to control it.
That is how I felt today. Out of control.
Lack of control is a horrible feeling for me since I tend to be a control freak. I put so much energy towards making “things” in my life work. When they fall apart, I feel like falling apart too. At least in the heat of the moment.
Picture a crowded swimming pool full of moms and kids. Everyone is taking in the sun, playing, laughing, having fun. Then out of the blue comes a high pitched scream. Over, and over again.
Without even looking, I know it is my six year old. What the heck? I turn my head, and she is screaming at her sister. Not even screaming. Beyond screaming – whatever that would be called.
I can tell she is angry and upset. And so can everyone else at the pool. I make my way over to the table where they are sitting and playing a game. All eyes are on me.
“What is going on”? My six year old informs me that her sister was whispering to a friend, and would not share the top secret information. What? Top secret information? We are screaming at the top of our lungs about top secret information? No.
I difuse the situation, force apologies, give them time outs, and then walk with my head down back to my chair. Whew. So embarassing to me. Even though I know every kid has their moments. It is part of being a kid. Part of being a mom. Heck it is part of being an adult, we just cannot express ourselves as openly (especially in public) as young kids. We control our feelings (or at least try).
Control. I felt out of control because my daughter was out of control. And no matter how badly I wanted to control the situation, I initially could not. I could not control how my daughter felt. How she wanted to express it. And to be honest, that is a blessing.
Control is good and challenging. Imagine how boring life would be if we could control everything about ourselves and others. We would be like robots. Emotionless and lifeless.
So even though I wish my daughter had walked over and told me how she felt instead of yelling at the top of her lungs, I recognize that I could not control her emotions. What she was experiencing inside snuck up on her. We talked about how she felt, what led up to it, and the options for future events if and when they occur again. But it is her life, her feelings.
And my older daughter recognized that whispering secrets was not cool. You don’t do that. Excluding others (especially your sister) is hurtful.
After we left the pool, I realized that part of my control issues go back to diabetes. Or I like to think that. I will admit, that I have gotten better about control. I am learning to let go. To be more flexible and unstructured when appropriate.
Diabetes is a control game. Talk about moments, feelings, and emotions. Double whew! There have been times when I have screamed and cried (in the privacy of my home). Stuff is gonna happen no matter how hard I work at controlling my diabetes. There will be high blood sugars, low blood sugars, etc. All part of living life as a diabetic.
In control times. Out of control times.
My daughters are now sitting together on the couch reading a book. You would never know what had happened at the pool today. They have moved on. Forgiveness. Calmness.
I am going to try that with diabetes. Control, forgive, and let go respectfully and appropriately. And then move on.