I Am a Little Worried

Posted on March 5, 2012


So I was awake at 4:45 am this morning.  Yes, 4:45 am.  I was typing the address for LabCorp into my Navigation system.  Tomorrow is the big test day.  The blood test to see if I am pregnant.  Woo hoo!

Two weeks ago, my husband and I had two of our frozen embryos transferred into me.   Tomorrow will finally be the blood test day to check my HcG levels (pregnancy indicator).  Whew!  It seems like the last two weeks have just dragged by.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.  And now the day is almost here.

So why I am worried?  I was not worried about having more kids two weeks ago.  In fact, I was thrilled at the possibility.  But now that I am having some symptoms and perhaps reality is setting in, I get a tad nervous.  We may be having more kids?  OMG!

Please never tell my kids to be (if I am even pregnant) that we had this discussion.  They would wonder what the heck.  But in all honesty, I am a bit worried about having more kids.  Have we made a mistake?

Stop it Michele.  It is just fear creeping in.  Let me borrow you a bit so I can share…Share why I am worried:

1.  I am going to be 43 years old.  I know.  43 is not that old, and it is just a number.  I agree.  Luckily, I am healthy and very energetic.  But, I do need my sleep ( a good 8 to 9 hours) to function the next day.

So will I be crying at 2am when our baby or babies cannot be consoled by feeding, changing, burping, rocking, cuddling, shooshing, or walking?  Probably.  Will I be able to care for the baby/babies and my older daughters?  Of course.  I may be wiped, but I will be able to do it…I think…I hope.

But will my age truly be the factor here?  Or will it be sheer exhaustion and raging hormones coming into play?  Or all the above?

I survived, and our 7 and 8 year old daughters survived when they were newborns.    In fact, it seems like a distant memory now.  Just a moment in time.  And that is what I need to remember.    It is not forever.  Before you know it (well, maybe that is an exaggeration when you are in the heat of it), the  baby/babies will be sleeping peacefully thru the night.  Like my 7 and 8 year old daughters.  Peacefully.  All night long.  Everyone.  Me too.  Yes!

Okay, so the age thing is not that big a deal.  I am going to be tired.  Accept it.  And naps and lots of Coke Zero will be in order.  But it will be fine. Right?  Yes.  Move on Michele.

2.  What’s next on the ole 5am worry list?  Diabetes.  I have been a type 1 diabetic for 39 years.  Over those years, I have neurotically taken care of myself.  Testing, monitoring, eating healthy, exercising, and living.  Living a great life with diabetes.  Has it been challenging at times?  You bet.  But life is supposed to have challenges, and one of mine just happens to be diabetes.

But another life or lives are coming into play here.  My diabetes management will impact the health of the baby or babies.  Wow!  That adds some pressure to the equation.

Yet, my other two daughters were born very healthy and at a normal weight.  I was a diabetic while carrying them in utero.  No complications for me or them.

Did it take lots of work?  Yes.   I had to continuously make changes to my insulin, diet, and exercise routine (or ending of exercise).    Lots of doctors’ appointments, ultra sounds, and non- stress tests were a necessity.  But, it all worked out.  Everyone one was and is healthy. Woo hoo!

All I can do is try.  Try my best to manage my diabetes for me and the baby or babies.  Mother Nature will do the rest.  But she better note that I am doing all I can.  Do you hear me Mother Nature?

3.   So, what is left?  Money.   Let’s get it out there.  Money.  I worry about financially being able to afford one or two more kids.  Why wasn’t I worried about money two weeks ago when we transferred two embryos into me?  Our current daughters (and us) live a comfortable life.  Why would the mix change?  And why am I worried about something I truly cannot control?

Years ago, I tried to plan out my life way in advance.  We are talking years out.  However, I quickly learned that life changes.  My plans did not always come to fruition.  Rather, better opportunities did (i.e. instead of being a psychologist I became an advertising executive and then a stay at home mom/writer). I have never been happier.

So I have started letting go of trying to control “stuff” like that.  Difficult at times for a woman who tries to control (manage is a better word) her diabetes every single day.  Even that is not control.   It is taking steps to create the life I want.  While letting “stuff” fall into place accordingly.

We have the power to create and make choices, and that is true with money too.   We can choose how to spend our money and how to create more; Realizing that “things” outside our control may step in and help out or take over.  That’s what is meant to be.  That is life.  Baby or no baby.

Best of all, babies are so easy to love and please (most of the time).  They are happy as long as they are getting the basic needs.  Our house will continue to be a happy haven for all of us.  My husband and I have always wanted more kids, and that dream may be coming true very soon.   I am excited.

My worrying has subsided for now.  I may (no, I will) have some more fears as time transpires but that is part of being a mom.  And besides, fear is where the gold is.  And my children are my gold.

Thank you for letting me share my life.  I feel better.  Stay tuned tomorrow for a pregnancy test update.  Tomorrow.  Will share the news as soon as I found out!

Take care!