My Apologies

Posted on August 6, 2012

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I hope everyone is doing well…

This blog post is dedicated to my readers.  Those people who inspire me to write and to share my life and learnings.  I feel like I owe you an explanation on why I recently took a brief sabatical from writing, blogging, and tweeting.  A sabatical from the outside world in a strange sort of way.

As many of you know,  in December 2011, we decided to try and have another baby.  Currently, we have an 8 year old daughter named Zoe and a 7 year old daughter named Phoebe.  Being 42 years old at the time, we felt it best to use the frozen embryos from when I did IVF for Zoe.

So we had the frozen embryos shipped from Chicago and drove back and forth to a reputable clinic in Cincinnati on many occassions.  With luck (and lots of fertility drugs), an embryo implanted, and I was pregnant.  Yay!  We were so excited.

Within a week of finding out I was pregnant, I started to feel really sick.  Really sick.  I had never felt that bad in my life.  So sick that I did not know how I was going to get thru the day.  I seriously started to wonder if this was going to last 9 months?  And could I sustain feeling this bad?

It’s worth it, it’s worth it, it’s worth it I kept telling myself.  I will make it.  But when I could not get out of bed one morning or keep any food down, I knew it was time to get help.  The reproductive endocrinologist put me on zofran which helped but made me really tired.  But I could eat.  A diabetic unable to eat for days is not a good thing.

Just trying to keep up with my kids was a struggle.  Trying to keep my bloodsugars in this amazingly low target range always below 90  was taxing.  I was wiped emotionally and physically.  Getting thru the day was a challenge.  And writing was not a priority.  Eating, taking care of my kids, testing my blood sugar, and trying to rest was the extent of my day.

Deep down in my heart, I sensed something was wrong with the pregnancy.  I felt pregnancy sick, but it went above and beyond that.  I felt like I had an illness.  Deep down I knew something was not right.  Yet, the doctors said everything looked great.  Ultrasounds showed a heartbeat.  All was good.

But it wasn’t.  At my 11 week ultrasound, there was no heartbeat.  I was devastated.  I remember laying there thinking how I was going to tell my 7 and 8 year old daughters.  Grief consumed me even though I had sensed something was wrong.

We all took it pretty hard.  It was so difficult to see my daughter upset about the loss.  Lots of tears were shed.  Many hours were spent talking about “why”.  Healing took some time.

Which is why I took a break from blogging and tweeting.  Part of my healing was immersing myself into my daughters’ lives.  I wanted to be with them – playing, resting, living life.  That was my healing process.  What I needed.  And I think my daughters needed it too.  I could not find the energy to write.  My energy and time was dedicated to my kids and myself.

And it worked.  We are all doing well now.  The Summer was amazing.  And the loss of a baby brought us closer together.  Tightening the bond that holds us together no matter what.  Good and bad.

So now it is time to write.  To do what I love.

I never meant to just walk away from writing, interacting, and communicating with everyone.  It just happened, and I want to extend an apology to everyone.  I never meant to abandon my readers.

But I am back and hope to interact with you all soon!  I have truly missed you!

Take care,

Michele Brown

Totally Diabetic

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